I Have Wedding Blues and her Name is Kabuto-san
Alright the wedding blues is exactly what it sounds like basically its being depressed about your wedding for whatever bullshit reasons people get depressed about. So naturally you all must be wondering who is Kabuto-san? An ex-girlfriend whom I love but am not marrying? A girl in my dreams who I never met? An old friend from my childhood who I was never able to date? Well actually Kabuto-san is none of these, thank god! No Kabuto-san is something much worse, she's our wedding planner.
Here's the deal, I am getting married on May 17th here in Japan. To be entirely honest I am actually already married, we turned in our paper work to city hall in March. That's beside the point though, the point is, that on May 17th of 2008 I am having a wedding ceremony and my family is flying in the from United States to attend. After the wedding I will be sure to upload some pictures. In any case there are two parts to the wedding, one is the ceremony which is at a shinto shrine - Gokoku jinja, followed by the reception which is being held at a nearby hotel, both of which are located in Hiroshima city. The temple is located inside the Hiroshima castle compound and the hotel is close by, the reception itself is at the top floor restaurant of the hotel and it over looks the city and the castle, as well as the baseball stadium. It's great, hell its pretty much perfect and I can't wait. I'm also marrying the greatest woman in the world, but more about that later.
So why the wedding blues right? Well good fucking question. With all those wonderful aspects about my wedding how could anything possibly bring me down right. Well let that be testament to how powerful the boredom of Kabuto-san is. The next question that comes to mind is, alright the wedding planner sucks, but what is it that she did that is so bad? And at this point it becomes so difficult to fully describe what it is that sucks so hard about Kabuto-san. It's not that she's particularly rude, mean or dumb, its that, well its that she's BORING! I mean I'm talking about mega, super, I'd-rather-read-the-bible-backwards-and-search-for-a-secret-message boring.
If you happen to be a fan of the show "The Office" then I can sum up my argument in a very short sentence. I'm fun, hip, cool, popular, friends-with-everyone Michael, and Kabuto-san is Toby Flenderson. Right now you're probably thinking, "What?! Who the fuck is Toby Flenderson?" And you wouldn't be wrong to think that so I've prepared an image to help jog your memory.
This is Toby Flenderson, and that is the exact facial expression I receive everytime I get to meet our fun and exciting wedding planner. Doesn't it just fill you with excitment and wonder about the blissful life you have to look forward to!
The deal with the MC
Alright an MC is the "Master of Ceremonies" it basically means the "host" or the person who runs the show. Apparently in Japan there is always some type of MC and if I were more fluent in Japanese I have a strong suspicion that I would likely be the MC of more events. In any case for our wedding we have an MC. Our MC is Ms. Tanaka, she's awesome! She has more or less actually planned our wedding day from start to finish. She's incredibly good at her job and she is somewhat famous for her work in broadcasting.
Recently Ms. Tanaka had to call to the ever so fun Kabuto-san and it didn't take very long for Ms. Tanaka to enter a downward spiral of gloom, boredom and thoughts about suicide. Ms. Tanaka called to the hotel to work out some of the preparations for the day of the wedding, basically Tanaka-san is coming to the wedding directly from work so she isn't going to have time to eat lunch, but furthermore because she will be busy at the wedding (being the MC) she will also not have time to eat while the rest of us are enjoying our meals. So its only natural that she would like the hotel to prepare something for her to eat before the reception gets started, which by the way is completely understandable considering the amount we are paying them, not to mention its just humane. The response from Kabuto-san was more or less, "Oh...well its just the MC, maybe we can get a sandwich for her." A fucking sandwich man, I mean at the price we're paying for this wedding we could likely buy a whole fucking sandwich factory and supply lunch boxes to the greater majority of west Japan. "Maybe we can get a sandwich for her", yeah well maybe I can get my foot all the way inside your ass.
For those of you who don't live in Japan or know Japanese culture, just to be clear this is unfathomably rude! In western culture this would be equivalent to inviting someone to your office, then dropping kicking them in the face, only to then send them a bill for getting blood on your rug. The more I think about it the more I hate the ass-hat that is Kabuto-san.
Anyway, Tanaka-san obviously felt offended and called to the hotel manager to more or less say, "Uhhh, what the FUCK!?" In which the manager instantly realized exactly who this was about, and before Tanaka-san could even mention a name the manager said, "Let me guess, this is about Kabuto-san?" Apparently anytime a complaint comes into the hotel about weddings its always her.
The only frustrating part is, why did we have to get her? Initially when we decided to have the hotel host our wedding we were assigned a wedding planner (and of course I forgot her name) but she was great. She was nice, smart, helpful and excited about our wedding. She helped us with everything even though she rarely offered actual advice, but she always agreed with whatever we said. Then we decided to have the reception in the nicest restaurant in the hotel which has a special set of wedding planners, which lucky us includes Kabuto-san. So we were switched to the evil bitch of boredom that is Kabuto-san. This is really confusing to me though, its the nicest restaurant in the hotel which also means its the most expensive so why do they have the worst person working there? This point is impossible to understand on any level, for anyone. Our theory is that she's a crappy person all around but her parents have some connection to the hotel and thus they can't fire her. Even with just one week to go, I still pray everyday she quits just so I don't have to see her again.
In conclusion, Kabuto-san you fail, ...at life, ...everyday, ...twice, ...before lunch.
* note: some names may have been changed.
** note: Kabuto-san's name didn't change, she sucks and everyone should know it!