Thanksgiving Report 1 of 3, 2008
Thanksgiving 2 of 3, Thanksgiving 3 of 3

If you know my mother, which you may considering she's on a first name basis with the better half of North America, Portugal and Guatemala, then you also likely know the importance of background story. So background story is where I shall begin our journey of Thanksgiving 2008 and the All Japan International Pie Competition. If you know my mother real well, which is equally likely, then you also know that reading the background to this story is not absolutely necessary, and even has a good chance of being completely irrelevant to the actual story, nevertheless it could still be incredibly interesting and entertaining.

Christmas sucks! Yeah, you read that correctly, Christmas sucks! I truly hate Christmas but its not because I am a grouchy old Grinch, Christmas sucks because before Halloween is even over, all the god damn Christmas shit is everywhere. It's as if everyone just forgets about Thanksgiving, as if there was no holiday between Halloween and Shitmas. When in fact there is a holiday, the coolest, sweetest, most kick ass holiday of the year - Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is such a bad ass holiday, primarily because it is what Shitmas is supposed to be but is not. Thanksgiving is essentially about four things, friends and family, gathering together, good food, and being thankful and generous. What a great holiday! No bullshit decorations, no purchasing shitty meaningless gifts, no bogus fucking stories, just good people and genuine kindness.

Before I leave this topic and get on to the actual story, I would like to elaborate a bit on why Christmas is so shitty. The biggest contributor to that bullshit holiday is all the fucking commercialization and consumption. Millions of people buy stupid shit that no one needs or wants, primarily because of bullshit social pressures. Meaning if you don't buy me stupid crap I don't want or will never use, you're selfish, inconsiderate and an asshole. Shitmas has forgotten what it is supposed to be about, and to prove my point I offer two examples, the first Hanukkah.

Hanukkah is basically Jewish shitmas and a long time ago it wasn't very important, even to Jews. However in recent years little Jewish kids felt pretty left out when all the kids (christian or not) got a bunch of expensive shit for free around Shitmas time. Naturally little Jewish kids must have thought, 'Dammit being Jewish sucks, we don't get shit! Look at god damn atheist Billy riding around on his kick ass new bike in the middle of fucking winter like its summertime. Dammit!' Thus the birth of Hanukkah, now Jewish kids get eight days of gifts and Jewish Ike has his new bike way the hell before atheist/christian Billy, so take that christian Billy you stupid asshole!

I wanted to look up what date Hanukah actually starts since I knew it wasn't eight days before December 25th, but it turns out Hanukah is even extra shitty. The damn holiday is different EVERY YEAR! Sometimes even invading in on November and attacking Thanksgiving! Dammit, doesn't Shitmas invade Thanksgiving enough as it is? Do we really need Hanukah's onslaught as well? In any case I made a table which shows when Hanukah begins each year, below. (Data obtained from Wikipedia)

Hanukah Starting Dates
(Gregorian Calendar)
Year Month Day Year Month Day
2000 Dec 22 2008 Dec 22
2001 Dec 10 2009 Dec 12
2002 Nov 30 2010 Dec 2
2003 Dec 20 2011 Dec 21
2004 Dec 8 2012 Dec 9
2005 Dec 26 2013 Nov 28
2006 Dec 16 2014 Dec 17
2007 Dec 5 2015 Dec 7

I attempted to try and make some kind of sense out of the calendar and the dates but it goes without saying that clearly its impossible. The point is that Jewish Ike's new bike arrives a hell of a lot earlier than christian Billy's bike so celebrating Christmas sucks. Jews win.

Unfortunately we need to return to my point about all this, kids don't give a fuck whether you're christian, atheist, Jewish or of the spaghetti monster church, they just want all the free shit that comes along with it. Neither kids nor adults really remember the true meaning of Christmas anymore, its all about profit margins and free shit and that's the biggest problem with Shitmas.

The next example only solidifies my claim into an impenetrable block of irrefutable evidence, the E3 conference. E3 - Electronic Entertainment Expo, was the largest entertainment conference of the year which regularly debuted the most exciting, highly anticipated games of the year. However in 2007 E3 was pretty much annihilated, going from 60,000 attendees in the previous year to just 3,000 in 2007. Why may you ask was E3 destroyed? Well you guessed it, bullshit fucking ass licker Shitmas! You see E3 is held in July but Shitmas isn't until December so game companies don't want to release their titles until November, right before the "holiday" season. Thus E3 is essentially no more, the entire industry decided to abandon E3 for a pre-winter conference which just happens to match perfectly with the Tokyo Game Show, which is currently the largest entertainment conference in the world. The only problem of course most American companies aren't all that excited about spending 20 fucking hours in a plane so although Tokyo is cool as fuck and its a great place for a game show, Western marketers aren't all that pressured to make a big fucking appearance since there won't be all that many fucking westerners in the farthest Eastern place you can go.

Conclusion, Christmas blows! It only exists for profit margins and is incredibly wasteful and is equivalent to a train wreck as far as holidays go. Furthermore it highlights humanity's worst attributes, mindless consumption at the most retarded of levels, and wastefulness, ie. buying gifts because "you have to". Thus do the right thing this year and in the years to come, tell Shitmas to fuck off and stop it from ruining your holiday season and instead celebrate the ever living hell out of the best holiday ever invented, Thanksgiving!

*If you really know my mother well, then you must certainly know that her background stories regularly get her side tracked onto to topics that are only slightly related to the main point of the story. Of course we all love her the same. Click the link below to continue to main story.

Next ->Thanksgiving 2 of 3

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November 30th, 09:
and this years
winner of
SIAJAWWTA Pie Competition

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